Happy New Year!

I turned 41 yesterday, had a super nice day filled with warmth, love, and treats for the eyes, nose, and tummy. Life is good.

On the cuckoo mom-to-be freak side, I have been worrying myself sick with whether I'll be a good mom, whether I'll be too old to keep up with my kid...am I poisoning my child by taking unisom and 1/2 dose antidepressant? Would it be better to be sad, sick, and chemical-free? Will my child be an alcoholic? Drug addict? What if I fall down? Why hasn't the baby moved in the last hour? What long term psychological damage will I unwittingly inflict on him or her that will require therapy later? What if I get cancer when they're in elementary school? What I forget to feed the baby? Am I eating well enough?

I swear, I have never been this much of a worrier. It's a whole new world of anxiety...perhaps Nature's way of preparing us to care and protect. It's so amazing how you can go through a whole life only having to be concerned with your own consequences, and then suddenly, you realize another, very tiny, soft, fragile human being is totally counting on you for everything. It feels enormous.

Of course, then I think of every yahoo that's ever raised a kid that turned out ok, and it's comforting. We're just going to have to do our best, and that's all we can do.

On the physical front (and I mean front!), the bump continues to expand. Some days I wonder how on earth I'm going to get 4 months bigger. Sleeping is already sort of a funny joke as I flop from side to side through the night. Some days I feel like this balloon on the front of me really can't hold any more air, but I guess that's the marvel of creating life.

Here's to a big, new year!

The Neverending Story

I forgot to mention that last week I skipped my Unisom one night and learned (vividly) the next day that I am still sick! I puked from the dining room, through the kitchen, and into the bathroom - cute! The funny thing is, Unisom doesn't seem to do much to help me sleep, which is the way the drug is marketed.

Lucky Girl

I just want to acknowledge how lucky I feel to have such a supportive husband. He listens to my constant commentary on the strange goings-on in my body, he goes out of his way to make sure I'm comfortable, from buying an air purifier to getting me snacks and water, and he is very excited about the baby. He puts up with my puzzling hormonal shifts and treats me with kindness and gentleness. He researches which diapers are most environmentally friendly, he puts his hand on my belly every time I say the baby's moving, even though he can't feel anything yet. He has been supportive about me working part time so I could have some freedom before we're barraged with babydom even though the economy is in the toilet. Thanks honey.

Biggie Bigs

Yeah, I know, I still have a long way to go, but may I just say, "Wow, I'm big!" The bare side view is pretty wild. I've just never been shaped like this before. Wacky. I am only halfway there, and somehow, I'm going to get way, way bigger.

Today I found a hot shirt at a consignment shop. I looked in the mirror and thought, "Now that looks good." Sort of a rare thought these days.

My girlfriend Jenine came to visit over the weekend and surprised me with a whole of bunch of cute new maternity clothes, including this adorable velvet dress and jacket from Target that I'd been eyeing just the day before. She must have picked up my brainwaves. I felt so pampered.

There's movement every day - usually in the evening, but sometimes during the day. Little scrambles and pokes. So far, a spicy lunch and a Christmas concert have inspired the most movement.

I did a short live set at a party last week - it was so good for me (as usual). Then I hung out and listened to the other bands. I suddenly started worrying that the sound was too loud for the baby. (Should I leave? Should I move away from the noise? Could it hurt baby's ears? Isn't it good for baby to begin to love rock?) It was just a moment of realizing the complexity of trying to think for two. Whew.

Now, off to steam some spinach and broil some fish...

The Universe is Expanding

My second trimester is humming along...I've been feeling relatively good. Thanks to the Unisom, I sleep through the night and don't feel particularly nauseated. (I swear, this blog is not sponsored by Unisom.)
I've been feeling the baby moving around. Usually just random flutters, but every so often a little poke, which I guess is a kick from a tiny foot. While I am excited to have a powdery, soft little bunny to take care of, I definitely feel like a completely separate being from the baby. Detached, I guess. I'm not sure why I feel guilty admitting this, it's simply a fact. I don't talk to the baby, for instance. At this point, it seems like a strange thing to do. He or she is still a pretty theoretical being to me.
I remember when one of my sisters had her first kid, I noticed that even when her belly was huge, she seemed totally separated from it somehow. When the baby was born, she took perfect care of him, but he seemed to me like sort of a foreign object to her. Then, when he was a couple of months old, she was holding him and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my life."
I guess I don't need to be too concerned about how much I've bonded with the baby(fetus) at this juncture. It'll happen in its own sweet time.
While I am admitting guilty things, I will admit that I feel bad that the images from the 3-D ultrasound look really strange to me. I don't know quite what I'm looking at, but if I am seeing things correctly, the baby looks sort of like a wet, hairless, strangely shaped cat. That's awful. I'm going to be a MOTHER. Can I say things like that? God help me, I don't know. Maybe I'm a horrible person. Maybe I'll be a horrible mother! Christmas, what is it about motherhood that turns people inside out? If my child does in fact look like a wet cat, I am quite certain that I will love him or her entirely, enormously, without question.

The annoying symptom I've been having the last couple of weeks is a stretchy, hurty pressure in my belly. Like there's a huge ball of dough in my tummy that's trying to rise. Erg. It's not extremely painful, just really uncomfortable, and there's an emotional element to it too, like the aftermath of being kicked in the gut or getting some really bad news. Like you want to hold your belly and say "Ugh." I started becoming convinced that this meant that something was wrong, so I called the doctor's office and was assured that this is completely normal.

I haven't been dyeing my hair lately, so as a treat, I bought some Clairol Shine Happy - it's supposed to make your hair all glossy and silky. But just before I applied it, I wondered if it was ok for me to use. I called Clairol and a dude named Cody told me that all Clairol products are tested extensively on animals and there's no evidence of any Clairol product causing any problems with pregnant women or babies. I guess that's good, but I got really bummed out thinking about all the animals that were sacrificed for me to potentially have shiny hair, and I decided my hair is fine as is. Frick it. Forget my dang hair, forget any semblance of being in shape, forget all the cute clothes and shoes that I can't wear right now. I shall focus on funky jewelry.

James and I are trying to figure out someplace to go for a "babymoon." I'm not sure I really want to use this term, as I find it sort of annoying. I'm dying to go away while we can, although I am afraid of feeling totally gnarly, whiny, lumplike whilst trying to enjoy the South of France, or Crete, or sunny Arizona. Plus I'll have to pack an extra suitcase of food, as I need to eat about once an hour these days.

Low Battery

There's a symptom of pregnancy that verges on the comical - what I call the dread exhaustion. As my friend Kristen says, "You're tired on a cellular level." And that's how it feels. The other day, I went for a swim - no big deal, like 20 minutes in the pool, nothing strenuous. When I returned to the locker room, putting on my clothes made me so tired that I had to sit down and very nearly fell asleep sitting up with my mouth wide open. It was 2 pm.

There's also a new level of clumsiness - I have broken countless plates and glasses, and ripped the passenger side mirror clean off my car on the side of the garage. Luckily, I have sustained no injuries as of yet, and I am super careful in the car, as I suspect that pregnant women get in lots of accidents. I guess that's why they tell you not to take up any new sports right about now. It's probably the only time in my life where I have not felt a generalized pressure to step up my exercise (not that I ever do).

Feelin' Groovy

I'm feeling better. No nausea in quite some time! Yahoo! I'm taking 1/2 of a Unisom every night now. I played a show on Wednesday, which was really energizing. I thought about announcing to the audience that I was pregnant, but I decided not to. The guitar is a pretty good foil for the still smallish bump. Although I got home by 10:30 pm, I was totally fried yesterday. It's funny to feel pretty normal, and have the energy to do stuff, but then you have to build in the recovery time. Now I understand why my friend Jen needed a day of rest last year after we went to the beach. It's cuckoo, like having a weird flu with no symptoms.

James and I went to the ultrasound appointment yesterday. We were excited and a little nervous. The bean was very active, bouncing around like he/she had hiccups. I've been told twice now that I've got a "mover." Unfortunately, the bean was a little camera shy, so we didn't get a profile picture, despite the technician's gentle prodding of my belly which made me feel a little protective (don't poke the kid, it's ok if we don't see the face today). At this stage, babies (fetuses, pre-babies?) are still pretty strange looking, they have big alien eyes and not much fat, so perhaps it was best. We did see a hand, an arm, legs, bones, kidneys, the heart. It was cool to see what's happening in there.

The ultrasound also made me feel a little sad about the two we've lost, wondering how they looked, how much they had grown. Since we're starting a family so late, we've had to be on task with getting pregnant, which hasn't left much down time for grieving when things haven't worked out, but the grief is there for sure. The other day, I said to my friend, "I feel like I've been pregnant for a year."

"You have," she said.

I'm grateful that things are going well, and so glad to be feeling ok.

Reality Sets In

I continue to feel generally better, which is GRAND. I've still had some rocky days, but the good days have buoyed me. My OB nurse says that at this point if I'm still feeling nauseated, I may be one of those lucky ladies that is sick the whole way through. Could it be true? Could I have drawn the high number? Thank God for Unisom.

Today - just today - I'm realizing that there's a baby coming. Huh. And there's a bunch of stuff I should do! Start learning about childbirth, sign up for a class (do I have to take a class? won't it just happen anyway?), set up some kind of nursery space (will the baby sleep in our room?), get ready for our new family member. I guess I've been taking things minute by minute so far.

It's been fun telling people we're expecting-lots of people react as though you've given them a surprise gift, it's really sweet. It disarms me.

New Era

I'm excited about the change that has taken hold of the country - I feel much more optimistic about bringing a kid into this world with our new President.

I will be at 16 weeks tomorrow, and I've gotten a bit of a reprieve on the sickness. I even felt well enough to go to Maine for a couple of days and visit my family. As long as I eat every 2 hours, I seem to be ok. It's amazing how not feeling sick for a little bit can improve your outlook. "Oh yeah, this is what 'normal' feels like!"

Lest I become too comfortable in my relative wellness, I got wretchedly sick last night. Worse than ever. Was it the excitement of the election results? The red mask across my eyes is worse than before, and the broken blood vessels in my neck are more prominent. And I had just ceased having to do a Hollywood makeup job! Dang it. Maybe I overdid it by cleaning my house yesterday. Clearly I need to plant myself on the couch and eat bonbons.

At least I can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The nurse at my OB's office assured me that all should be well by 16 weeks - so that's it, tomorrow is the deadline - ya hear me hormones? Betty needs a break.

I am now fully embracing the maternity wear, which currently leaves me with exactly three pairs of pants. Now is when my brilliant clothing design career ought to kick in, I could make yummy mummy funky soft comfy clothes. Then again, I could take a nap.

Tip for the Day

Keep something that you can safely barf into in your car. I learned this recently, when having some random trash on the floor of my Focus finally came in very handy. I am finally justified in driving a car that has perennial cups and bags floating around. Do NOT attempt to drive while barfing.

Hooray for Fertility

I realized yesterday that I'm very nervous about letting people at work know that I'm expecting. I've been trying to figure out why, and the best way to express it is that I don't want my whole identity to be about being pregnant. I don't want people that I don't normally interact with to suddenly start asking about the gender or if we have names picked out. Or, God forbid, wanting to touch my belly. Yeesh. I know this is unavoidable on some level, but I still dread it. Maybe I'll feel differently once my pregnancy is more public, I think the "reveal" is just freaking me out a little bit.
It's funny that a most private act seems to become a most public project.

New Clothes!

At any other moment in my life, the thought of buying new clothes would have made me very, very happy. Anyone that knows me knows that I loves the fash. Yesterday was another story. At just over 3 months along, I'm getting a dough-boy belly - not a little yoga mom bubble like the girls with the $500 strollers in Back Bay - no, a shapeless, wandering belly that has not stated its purpose to the world quite yet. As a result, I can't fit into any of my stylin' threads, and I've been reduced to creating fakey extendo-waist pants with the aid of a plain old rubber band. But now the threat of elastic failure has overcome my utter dread of buying maternity clothes, so yesterday I wandered out in search of comfort. I'm almost out of the zone of being able to buy the trendy empire waist and baby doll tops that are so hip and available at the moment, so I went to Motherhood maternity. I met another shopper there and we chatted for a bit - she's not much bigger than I am and she's 26 weeks, which made me nervous for my future immensity. She also wasn't at all sick in her first trimester, which made me feel at once happy for her and just a little bit vengeful. At any rate, I braced myself and tried on some large ladypants, and actually, they weren't bad. Kinda cute, actually, once you get a top on over that hideous panty-hose band. I guess it was time to face the inevitable and drop some dough, so I tried on 10 things, being careful not to bend forward too much as it makes me gag, and found a few things that I felt good about. I'm ready to rock the brown cords, the black velvet jeans, the cute hoodie, and the adorable polka dot eyelet dress as I become large. Then I drove home, put my stuff down, and fell asleep sitting up.

It Ain't Pretty

At 13 weeks, I am still feeling nauseated pretty much all of the time. I've tried eating before bed, eating immediately in the morning, eating more protein, taking B6 vitamins...none of it seems to be making a dent. The one thing thing that seems to help is Unisom. Yep, that's right, the OTC sleeping pill. Before you draw your breath in shock, my doctor told me to take it. Apparently it's ok for pregnant gals. Apparently in Canada, they combine it with a B6 vitamin just for pregnant gals. Let me tell you, it's magical. I was totally in the world of nasty on Wednesday, and I took 1/2 a pill and slept through the night and awoke Thursday morning all fresh and peachy, ready to work, grocery shop, feel like a normal person. I haven't felt like that in weeks.

Of course, I am so nervous about taking any drugs at all, I decided Thursday night not to take one, lest I become addicted or add undue chemicals to my body, or worst of all, inadvertently discover the new Thalidomide. So yesterday was back to grody land for me, which was ok b/c I didn't have to work.

The day went by in a typically nauseous, overly exhausted fashion until last night, when, perhaps due to the enormous lead of Tampa Bay over the Red Sox, I suddenly started power hurling as I sat on the couch. Luckily I had placed a small trash can next to the couch last week for just such emergencies.

When I went to the bathroom to clean up, I noticed that I had broken blood vessels around both eyes and in my neck, due to the force of the hurl. I looked like I'd lost a bar fight. And today, I still look that way. I really hope no one I've run into today (the furnace guy, the taco stand girl) worry that my life is in danger.

So, for those of you that think carrying a child makes you glow, thickens and shines your hair, and makes you ecstatic to be creating life, I'm here to tell you, there's more to the story. It's an amazing process, and seeing a little human bean floating around in your womb on an ultrasound screen will bring tears to your eyes, but it's also a lot of work, it can be rugged on your body and your mind. It's kind of like the worst day of PMS stretched over months, combined with a constantly angry stomach, and lots of people (sometimes seemingly incongruously) being really, really happy for you.

Day One of the Blog, Week 13 of the Pregnancy

I'm Betty V. I'm a 40-year-old first time mom-to-be. My husband and I are absolutely delighted to be expecting a baby in late April.

I'm starting this blog because it's been a long road getting here, and I wanted to document my experience of growing a tiny person, and all of its accompanying ups and downs.